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The necessity of making "rash" decisions more often
Over the last 20 years, I have made a series of “rash” decisions.
In 2007, I had a panic attack on a flight from Nashville back to San Diego. I told my brother I needed to quit my sales job, bail on our apartment, and move back east to live with college friends.
Four weeks later, I was on the road to Atlanta, having found a dream job.
This began three years of absurd adventures with Sixthman, a small company that produced floating music festivals on Caribbean cruises. I interviewed Zac Brown Band. I played blackjack with Brandi Carlile. I hosted Flip Cup with the Sister Hazel and Guster. It was strange and fun.
Me and my coworker Barb interviewing Hanson. They were hilarious.
In 2010, I made the “rash” decision to quit that job too.
I had a side hobby, NerdFitness.com, that I thought I could turn into an actual business. I went all in even though the blog hadn’t made any money yet. (17 years later, still going strong!)
Six months later, I made yet another “rash” decision.
I sold all of my belongings and booked an around the world plane ticket to travel for a year. The trip changed my life, pushed me way out of my comfort zone, created many lifelong friendships, and resulted in a book deal.
The actual path and cost of my flights. Thanks frequent flyer points!
In 2015, I flew to New York City to spend a week with friends. Unexpectedly, I had the best week ever. Later that summer, after going on a few bad dates in Nashville, I knew it was time for another “rash” decision.
Three weeks later, I drove to NYC with only the things that could fit in my car.
My “desk” for my first month in NYC
This past week, I just made “rash” decision number 5.
But we’ll get to that shortly.
As I was reflecting on my past twenty years and all the “rash” decisions I’ve made in my life, I came to two realizations.
Realization #1: No “rash” decision was actually rash:
In each instance, I had already known deep down that something needed to change. My rash decisions were never made in haste. They were made after careful deliberation over the course of many months, deep down within my heart, my gut, my soul. Somewhere inside and unseen.
I had been miserable in San Diego for six months before I made the “rash” decision.
I had been working on Nerd Fitness for 18 months on the side and had a good idea it would work out.
I booked my worldwide adventure because my two roommates were also moving and I found a way to do it cheaply, and could always come home if it didn’t work out.
Moving to NYC came after a year of knowing things needed to change in Nashville.
For each “rash” decision, there was a tipping point in which the clear next step became obvious to my overactive, over-analytical, over-thinking brain. In each instance, once the decision was made, there was no need to regret or question myself or give up, because I had already done all that work internally for a long time.
Realization #2: I’m fortunate to have the support of the important people around me.
Whenever I decided to shake things up, chase a big goal, or make a big change, it often separated everybody around me into two categories.
The first category was people who supported me.
My brother told me “If you have to bail on San Diego, I get it. Go for it dude.”
My boss told me, “If you have to leave the company to try and start your own, you have my support.”
My dad told me “I sometimes worry about your brother or sister, but I never worry about you. You can do this.”
My roommates told me, “This is so awesome, I can’t wait to follow along with your trip!”
I also heard from plenty of people who didn’t know me as well. People who might have less risk tolerance than me, who only saw the “rash” part of this decision. Their responses were predictable:
“How could you leave San Diego for Atlanta?”
“Why would you quit this job?”
“This seems irresponsible, how will you manage [complication?]”
“New York City is gross/crazy/much, you couldn’t pay me to live there.”
“MUST BE NICE… I can’t do that because [reason].” (this one is my least favorite).
I bring this up because I realized that over the past few years, I had started to listen more and more to the people in group 2... and even found myself starting to become a part of group 2. Not great!
Dreambuilders and Dreamkillers
Quick detour before I return to this week's “rash” decision.
I had a chance to read an early copy of my friend Vanessa Van Edwards’s new book, Conversations, which is out this week. Vanessa jokes that she’s a “recovering awkward person,” and this book is the culmination of her career and research around becoming a more interesting conversationalist.
(The book is fantastic, by the way. Especially if you’re a fellow “recovering awkward person” who’s trying to become a better social human. Not that this would apply to anybody on this newsletter, or me…ahem.)
I want to highlight a specific section that grabbed my attention. Vanessa explains that in any conversation in which we reveal something interesting we’re about to do, or a dream or decision or goal we might have, we’ll get one of two responses from people.
Dreambuilders and Dreamkillers:
“Dreambuilders add to conversations. They are curious, supportive, and engaging. They ask follow-up questions. They keep an open mind.
They build on the dreams of others by bringing out others’ best selves….
They assume affinity and connection. You do NOT need to agree with every dream… but you do have to be open-minded toward it.”
Conversely, Dreamkillers…
Dreamkillers subtract from conversations. They are skeptical, unimpressed, and judgmental. They shoot down ideas. They are closed-minded. They sow doubt. They instigate disharmony. They are the wet blankets on sparks of excitement.
Nothing kills connection faster than dreamkilling.
Vanessa later points how much dreamkilling can fundamentally alter or destroy relationships, one conversation at a time:
In a working relationship, regular dreamkilling destroys morale, engagement, and loyalty.
In a romantic relationship, dreamkilling undermines your connection, creates mistrust, and shuts down chemistry.
And there is zero possibility of deep friendship when you dreamkill. At best, you’ll eventually have a frenemy. At worst, an outright nemesis.
Which brings me back to my own adventures.
Rash decision #5: Steve gets back to “Yes”
Thinking back over the past six years, I had slowly transformed, unknowingly, into a “dreamkiller.’ Not just for others, but often for myself.
I worried more and about the future and retreated to safety and comfort. I had slowly stopped saying “yes” to stuff. My world started to shrink. I never missed a workout. I always got enough sleep.
I hadn’t made any “rash” decisions in over a decade either!
I don’t just mean “move across the country on a whim” or “book a crazy trip” or “quit my job” either. I mean “deeply understand myself, do interesting things that may or may not work, and get a great story out of it”
Life became more predictable. Pragmatic. And a bit hollow.
Many of the pragmatic things I was building towards no longer mattered. My carefully crafted future (thanks overactive brain!) was now obsolete.
After a few years of healing (and finishing writing my own book), I knew things had to change. I needed to make some more “rash” decisions.
Around 18 months ago, I started exercising my “yes” muscles again.
Like restarting a workout routine, it was hard and uncomfortable and the opposite of what my brain wanted to do (Stay on the couch, play video games, and avoid uncertainty).
For my warm up, I started to say yes to things that I was invited to.
(Don’t worry, I’ve also said yes to therapy, focusing on my needs, and establishing boundaries too. This lets me confidently stand up for myself and say no to the wrong things also).
Two weeks ago, I said yes to a trip to NYC to visit some friends.
While there, I said yes to a last second invite to an author event with some of the world’s most successful nonfiction authors. I was intimidated and anxious and also honored I got invited.
Me trying to look serious while also wearing Pac-man socks
Later in the trip I met up with college buddies and old blogger friends, I went to multiple museums, I strolled through parks, I chased my curiosities.
It was one of the best weeks I’ve had in a long time. And yet it still surprised me, just like the last time I had the best week ever in NYC.
Which FINALLY brings us back around to Rash Decision #5…
A series of serendipitous events all lined up while in Manhattan, and at the end of the week, an opportunity plopped on my lap that came out of nowhere.
Over the course of a week, I went from “I’m going to visit in NYC to see friends” to “I would like to spend as much as time as possible here, as soon as possible.”
So, I’m spending a good chunk of this fall/winter up in New York City.
Although this might seem hasty, it also feels like the most obvious, rational decision in the world to me (both personally and professionally). I bet this “rash” decision has been percolating within me ever since I visited NYC 18 months ago.
It also means I have a lot of details to figure out in the next few weeks, because I’ve also been traveling like crazy since making the decision (I am currently writing this from a hotel in North Carolina).
It’s all been routine-disrupting, and so damn fun. These details will get sorted. The “hard” part is already done.
To answer your first question: I have no idea what comes next or how this shakes out! I am not making any permanent decisions on where I’m going to continue living.
I am perfectly happy not knowing.
Right now, I keep saying Yes and life keeps getting more interesting. This is simply a continuation of that ongoing experiment.
As I explain in How to Try Again, instead of overanalyzing or over-planning, I’m becoming a better wayfinder. No matter the outcome, I’ll learn something about myself, have many adventures, and report back to you, my dear reader friend, with future thoughts.
Returning to Vanessa’s framework: I’ve already encountered my share of Dreambuilders and Dreamkillers since sharing this decision with acquaintances:
Dreambuilders: “Oh man, I love this for you! NYC is great, what are you most excited about? I’ll come visit!”
Dreamkillers: “I could never live in New York, it’s too [hectic/big/messy/etc.] Why would you move to New York City instead of [random location that is not New York City]?”
I’m glad I didn’t bother to listen to the dreamkillers. I’m glad I have enough supportive dreambuilders in my life too. I’m glad I got back to being a dreambuilder in my own life, and I hope I can continue to be a dreambuilder for the people around me.
Which side of the dreambuilder/dreamkiller fence do you often fall on?
My challenge for you this week is to make embrace the dreambuilder side, not just for the people around you, but in your own life.
If there’s a “rash” decision or a dream you’ve avoided saying “yes” to, maybe it’s okay to shake things up. It doesn’t need to be moving across the country or quitting a job. It can be a local adventure or spontaneous thing you’ve been thinking about for a while but keep putting off…
Something that’s impractical, adventurous, or outside of your comfort zone. Something you’ve been thinking about long enough that the answer is already obvious to you, if you can find the courage to admit it…
Let’s make the rational decision of being more irrational sometimes.
-Steve (former dreamkiller, current dreambuilder, perpetual "rash" decision maker)
PS: If you want to learn how to be a better communicator, seriously check out Vanessa’s new book, Conversations.
I’ve known Vanessa for 15 years and she is an absolute rockstar researcher who has been studying this stuff her whole career. I finished it last week and there’s already a few tactics I have borrowed to have more fun talking to new people and making new friends!
Hi! Want the first chapter of my bestselling book, "How to Try Again"? Join below and I'll send it to you right away. Plus, a fun weekly newsletter about failing differently, treading water, and trying again. Oh, and lots of bad jokes.
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